Look A Little Harder Next Time December 14, 2008

I know I take things too personally.  I could guess a thousand reasons why this is so, but that is another therapy session all on it’s own.  So, yesterday S couldn’t find the remote control.  H had passed him the back off it as he was going out to start the car, but he didn’t think to ask her where the rest of it was.  He forgot.  It wasn’t that important at the time – there was no hockey game starting that needed to be recorded!!!! 

So there he was 10 hours later…sternly talking to H (she’s 2) and with holding her milk until she tells him where the rest of the remote is!!!  WTF!!!  You can’t do that to a baby.  I was so mad.  He stormed around the house.  He was sharp with me and the girls.  It was not fun at all.  He made wide sweeping comments about how he ‘hates this’.  Again, this is where I take things too personally…hates what….me, the house, our life, our children…..and yes, I am hormonal so please be patient with me.  I should also mention, S survived a day at the water park with H and E by himself on 3 hours sleep…so he had reached him limit too. 

The whole converstaion was horrible.  It wasn’t loud or anything.  I just felt really bad that he ‘hated this’ and I don’t really know what ‘this’ is.  I have a wild, vivid imagination, and I can make horrible assumptions and this is what I do most of the time.  He apologised to me and to the girls, especially H.  He never did find the remote control.  His hockey game taped downstairs, so nothing was really lost.  I found the remote under one of the chairs in the living room this morning.  If had of looked a little harder he would have found it himself last night, and the whole ugly mess that was, wouldn’t have happened at all….and I wouldn’t have had to take things so personally.

2…and counting December 1, 2008

My littlest baby is now 2 – yesterday was her bithday.  I can’t believe she is 2 already…although, the last couple of years of sleep deprivation some times feels like 40!  My time with H has been both up and down…although there have been way more up times.  She screamed alot as a new born.  I was pretty much wrecked after the 3rd month of her constant screaming.  I still am a little gun shy when I hear a baby wailing.  Now though, she is a joy to have.  She is full of giggles and cuddles.  She is beautiful and smart and I am so very blessed to be her mommy.

Whine or Wine? October 22, 2008

S and I are both working lots of hours.  To the point where we are hardly seeing each other.  This, does not make me happy.  I am a clingy sort of girl who has alot of insecurities….and he still married me!  I hate not seeing my husband.  I hate falling asleep without him beside me.  I made sure I married a man who would be home each night.  This was not what I had planned for.  Neither had I planned for being so broke and needing work an insane amount of hours to get us back on track – but it happened and now I am living a life of ships passing in a hellish storm.

On top of not seeing S, I am sick.  This, is a good thing for him of course.  We hardly see each other and this gives him very little opportunity to catch the infection that I have.  However, no one is hear to gather up my trail of snot rags, except myself and that really sucks.  I am doing the ‘oh woe’s H’ lament right now, just in case you didn’t notice.

I figure that if we are lucky, by Christmas time we will be out of the hole and into the black.  Maybe by then I will be able to actually curl into S’s back and fall asleep in peace.  By that time, I should have another cold creeping up – won’t that be perfect timing.  So, for now, I will continue to work 2 jobs, be a stay at home mom, take my kids to preschool, school and soccer and will whine only to you, my devoted readers.

Saddness October 20, 2008

Yesterday was a very strange day for me.  My step brother got married yesterday.  It is fair to say that although I like my step family, we aren’t all that close.  I think it because we were all adults when our parents married and met.  My dad had been a widow for many years before he met his wife, his wife had only been recelty widowed and I think it might have been a little harder for her children than it was for me. 

It was strange to see my dad walk another son down the isle.  I am not an only child mind you.  I have three older brothers of my own, and 2 older step brothers.  My dad has another family and I am not a part of it.  It just sort of hit me yesterday and I cried.  I am sure they thought I was crying because it was a wedding and people cry, but I was crying because my dad has another family and I am not included.

During the reception there was a slide show, showing the happy couple in their younger years and then them together.  There were many pictures of my dad in this slide show.  Lots from his own wedding.  His stepsons, grandchild and wife all together.  My brothers and I weren’t in that picture.  It really hit me at this point.  My dad belongs to other people.  I am just sort of the third wheel in his new life.  Me and my daughters are sometimes included.  But we really live our lives on the fringe of his.  Of course, alot of this is my choice.  It is hard to break into a family when you are an adult.  It has been so hard for me, and has reminded me so much of my horrible childhood and not fitting in, that I am just too tired of  trying and have sort of given up. 

I watched my daughter last night.  She was running around and playing with the kids close to her age.  Even she didn’t really fit in.  She had fun and she is 3 – what did it matter to her.  For me though, sitting at a table on the edge of the room, with no one family or no one that I new, I was very sad. 

I have never really thought of it before last night.  My dad and us don’t really share holidays together.  My dad goes with her wife to her families for Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving.  Our suppers usually run togther and my house just isn’t a priority for his wife.  I used to take great offence to this.  Now, I understand a little more and don’t let it bother me the way it used to.  I guess I am just hanging on to being a child.  Maybe it bothers me more because I don’t have another parent to use as a back up.  I get jelous I guess that I don’t share much with my parent and her family gets a full family.  It is how life is, I am just being moanie and bitchy right now – sorry.

Enough woe’s me.  At least I still have a parent.  I am thankful for that.  I am thankful that he and I talk every day and I think he is the best grandpa ever.  I should just appreciate what I have and not what I don’t – remember that my glass is half full not half empty.

NO NAP CENTRAL October 16, 2008

I hate the age where they figure out how to open the doors by themselves.  I am not very good at opening doors with the little child protector thingies…so this really bites for me.  H is not big enough and has figured out how to open doors.  This means that just closing the bathroom door is no longer enough to keep her from flushing toys down the toilet.  It also means that just closing her bedroom door to nap will keep her in her room.  Nope.  Now, I have work to keep her in there and in her bed.  Who am I kidding.  I don’t care if she is in her bed or not, I just want her in her room, resting quietly for a pretend nap time…why won’t she humour me? 

Napping is pretty much tossed now.  I can’t make them sleep anymore.  H napped for like 10 minutes in the car on the way home from groceries this morning.  I guess that is good enough for her.  E usually rests on preschool days, but today she was having none of it.  I am hoping when M comes home from school I will tempt her with chocolate to take her sisters to the park and wear them out before supper – then they will eat, wash and crash in that order (pray to _____insert whatever God you choose).

I keep telling myself it is like only 10 years from now and I won’t be able to keep them out of bed.  If I survive I will so love it.  That’s IF I survive.

I SPY October 15, 2008

Apparently, I am computerly challenged.  I thought I was pretty savy when it came to operating the computer.  Until the last 24 hours that is.  The teenager has been visiting sites that scare me a bit.  Vampire Freaks is just one of the new sites she has visited and is chating on.  One of my concerns from her old house was that no one paid any attention to where and what she was doing on the computer.  So, how can I be concerned there and do nothing here?  So, I did something.  And I trashed my system.  It is working okay now…but it was an hot ugle mess.  I thought maybe I was just going to throw it away and start over again.  Hint to those out there who run their systems as an administrator…make sure you look very closely at the password you are using to protect your content…because you won’t be able to access your computer at all if you don’t have the correct password to log in with – TRUST ME!  This morning really sucked because of that. 

But, thankfuly my ever so gifted nephew got things back to normal.  If he wasn’t here, I don’t know what I would have done.  But, he is here, and I don’t really have to worry about that.  Now, I just have to worry and deal with the disapointment of a teenager who is being monitored.  You can shake your head, but I believe in being upfront with my spying.  I have told her the security measures I have put in place.  I have warned her to think about what she says and does while she on line.  She knows I could be watching.  I would have to have to confront her about something after the fact and then have to deal with the accusations of spying and invading her privacy.  Little does she know there is no such thing as privacy – TRUST ME I CAN’T GO PEE ALONE!

Thanksgiving October 14, 2008

This past weeked was Thanksgiving (for those of us living in Canada).  It was a crazy time at my house for sure.  It started off with there be no chickens for sale.  My family isn’t that fond of turkey, so I make an effort to roast and stuff a couple of nice chickens instead.  Of course, I saved it too late and there were no organic free range chickens, and I don’t do utility grade frozen.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful dad and offered to pick me up a turkey from his town.  What a nice dad!!!  Of couse, picking up a turkey is only good if my husband would have remembered to bring it home from work!  But nope – no remembering, no thawing, no turkey for supper on Sunday.  Instead we cleaned house and started to get our back yard de-summerised and ready for the first snow fall (which probably won’t be far away). 

Thanksgiving is actually on Monday, so we managed to cook the bird yesterday (when I say we, I really mean ME).  It was a good supper.  My dad and his wife came for supper – which normally doesn’t happen because they go to her families house – but because we screwed up the bird, they were able to come (and when I say we, I really mean S).  It was a nice day all around.  And, my house is feeling cleaning and lighter and more ready for the cold weather to come. 

All in all it worked out to be a good day.  I do have so many things to be thankful for.  My quick list is this -

1.  I am married to the right man for me – he may drive me crazy, but me being crazy hasn’t driven him away!

2.  I was given the best gift this year – M came to live with us full time and she has brought a sense of joy to my life that is indescribable.

3.  E is growing up into a little girl who I really like spending time with.  She is changing so much and has so much more control over her emotions and can communication so much more effectively.  I look forward to leaving the house with her and just being with her.

4.  I can understand H now.  Her words and coming clearer and there are more of them every day.  Her giggles are infectious, which is pretty handy to have when there is poop involved.

5.  My dad is the best.  He loves me in a way that no one else does.  I admire him and appreciate all the does and all that he is a person.  When I grow up, I want to be just like him.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This BLOWS October 13, 2008

I am convinced that I am a giant pieces of keelex!  E thinks it is hysterical to run up to me and blow her nose somewhere on my body….WTF?!?!?  When did this become a good idea?  Maybe it is partly my fault.  Whenever she is sick or is crying, I tend to wipe her down with the inside of my shirt sleeve.  Okay, so this is pretty bad, I know, but sometimes I am lazy and it is usually when trying to locate the most recent box of tissue that I decide that the work is not worth the reward and I use my sleeve.  I would NEVER do this for myself, so I have no idea why I think it is acceptable for E.

I now have to figure out how to be not so lazy and actually keep some tissue on me at all times.  This, is harder than it sounds…trust me.  But, I really don’t want to be a snot rag anymore!

Tough Mold To Break-Into October 7, 2008

E has been in preschool now for a little over a month.  I have seen these moms twice a week for almost 6 weeks.  I have yet to actually make a friend in the bunch and I am sad.  I miss my old friends, in my old town, in my old life.  It is only an hour down the road, but with the price of gas these days, I don’t get out of my own town very often.

I am not too sure what it is, how come I am finding it so challenging to make at least one friend out here.  I hate that I don’t have a girl friend to call on when my kids are driving me crazy and I would love some company or an ear to bend.  Maybe it is me – although I am trying very hard to be outgoing and smile alot.  Maybe it is them…small towns breed small cliques which are often hard to break into. 

I thought this year would be different.  I was sure that having E in preschool would open up some doors for me and make life out in the country more enjoyable.  I am pretty frustrated right now, feeling a little poor me-ish.

Growing UP October 6, 2008

I am laughing inside right now.  We have sorted out the ace to four and the face cards in a deck of cards.  We have made a mini set of memory cards for E to play with.  She loves memory.  She is even pretty good at it.  The faces she makes when she is concentrating is halarious though.  I love watching her work things out.  I love that she tries so hard to make sense of things and to solve a problem.  E is definately not a baby any more.  She is growing up so fast and changing onto her own little person.  I can honestly admit, for a while, I was worried I wouldn’t like who she would become.  She was whiny and had many tantrums, many times a day.  It wasn’t very much fun to take her out to eat.  She didn’t travel very well without a movie and milk.  She was always messy without really getting in anything at all.  It was just very challenging, being her mom.  Now she is so much different.  We can take her out and she is a very good little girl.  She still needs a movie to travel with, but she no longer demands a milk cup.  Okay, she is still messy most of the time – and I will never figure out how until install some sort of servallance system to catch her in the act.  Her tantrums are much fewer and far greater between.  I can calm her down now.  I think alot of this has to do with going to preschool.  When she is there, there is snack time each day.  All the kids gather at the tables and sit nicely to eat their snacks.  E is the youngest child at the school and she had alot to learn.  I was pretty nervous about sending her.  It has only been just over a month, but the growth and change in her in great.  I think she has learnt alot just by being with the other kids and watching them eat.

I really struggled with PPD with both girls.  I missed alot of the baby stage because I was doing my best just to survive.  Now I have toddler and a young girl in my life.  I am amazed at who she is becoming.  She is funny and kind.  She is loving and a feisty.  She is so much me it is scarey sometimes.  The baby I had is gone.  The toddler is almost gone too.  I am excited for the coming days, and ready to embrace the young child in my life.