My dad is sick. He has a non cancerous tumour in his brain, sitting on his pituitary gland. This isn’t anything new. We found out about this tumour coming three years ago. He was sucessfully taking medication, which was shrinking this tumour and making his daily life enjoyable again. Lately though, things have taken a turn for the worse. The pressure is back in his head. His body hair isn’t growing so much any more. When he bends over his nose leaks fluid from the tumour.
When my dad was over last night he shared with me this latest update. I of course panicked. I don’t know how to process the thoughts of loosing my dad. I lost my mom when I was a teenager and I barely survived that. I honestly think that loosing my dad would send me over the edge.
The scarest thought to me is being orphaned. I honestly don’t know how to be a parent if I don’t have my own parent. I can’t imagine my world without my dad in it. Who will make me feel better when the world feels like it is closing in on me. Who will make me feel safe…and yeah….I know I am married and a parent myself…but still, who?
About putting my foot in my mouth….here is how I did it….
After my dad left I was rattled. I needed to talk to someone who had more answers for all my questions. I phoned my dads wife – a nurse. I started asking her about the symptoms my dad shared. I needed reasurance. My dads wife had no idea what I was talking about. My dad hadn’t told her. She hates it when I know more than her, or know stuff before her. I really did it this time. She was mad and I felt horrible for saying anything at all. How was I supposed to know that he hadn’t told her yet. They live together….she is his wife. How could I have known?
