Look A Little Harder Next Time December 14, 2008

I know I take things too personally.  I could guess a thousand reasons why this is so, but that is another therapy session all on it’s own.  So, yesterday S couldn’t find the remote control.  H had passed him the back off it as he was going out to start the car, but he didn’t think to ask her where the rest of it was.  He forgot.  It wasn’t that important at the time – there was no hockey game starting that needed to be recorded!!!! 

So there he was 10 hours later…sternly talking to H (she’s 2) and with holding her milk until she tells him where the rest of the remote is!!!  WTF!!!  You can’t do that to a baby.  I was so mad.  He stormed around the house.  He was sharp with me and the girls.  It was not fun at all.  He made wide sweeping comments about how he ‘hates this’.  Again, this is where I take things too personally…hates what….me, the house, our life, our children…..and yes, I am hormonal so please be patient with me.  I should also mention, S survived a day at the water park with H and E by himself on 3 hours sleep…so he had reached him limit too. 

The whole converstaion was horrible.  It wasn’t loud or anything.  I just felt really bad that he ‘hated this’ and I don’t really know what ‘this’ is.  I have a wild, vivid imagination, and I can make horrible assumptions and this is what I do most of the time.  He apologised to me and to the girls, especially H.  He never did find the remote control.  His hockey game taped downstairs, so nothing was really lost.  I found the remote under one of the chairs in the living room this morning.  If had of looked a little harder he would have found it himself last night, and the whole ugly mess that was, wouldn’t have happened at all….and I wouldn’t have had to take things so personally.

Too HOT To Handle November 3, 2008

My husband is ‘hot’ or so that is what he keeps getting told at work.  Of course, I have always thought this – was the first thing that drew me to him when I was 13!  He hasn’t always known this about himself though and it is cute, funny and a little scarey to see his ego inflate.

S started working part time at a lounge bouncing.  He works 3 nights a week and he loves.  He loves that his really good friend works there too.  He loves the extra cash it brings in to help pay off our debts.  Of course, I had some huge reservations about him working in a lounge.  Come on – people do that when they are 20, not married men with children right?  So pretty much, I have an insane amount of insecurities…which aren’t helped by the fact, that I am a SAHM who’s best friend is a 3 year old (the 2 year old doesn’t have full conversations yet)!  How interesting am I any more, especially compared to that all the women he is meeting now, and who think he is hot!

I hate this.  I did’t sign up for a marriage like this.  I want to go back to having my husband home, and hot only in my eyes.

Sniff, Sniff, Growing Up July 6, 2008

My babies are growing up.  I can’t believe the ‘baby’ phase of my life is almost coming to a close.  I can’t believe we all survived it in one piece!  I am shocked that I have lived this past few years and it soon it will all be just memories.

I say that my babies are growing up because H has reached a growing point in her little life.  This past week she started walking down and up the stairs like a real person.  No more sitting on her bum, turning over and crawling down the stairs backwards.  Now, she holds onto the wall and takes them a step at a time.  Other than being in a diaper and using a car seat, taking the stairs is the one of the last baby like things she will ever do…you know, other than throw tantrums, get kisses for booboos, wear Dora bandaids…you know, all the other baby things.

Everytime I look at her she has changed.  Her hair is getting longer, her face more toddler like.  Her words are coming every day and the other day as I was counting down the stairs she finished eight, nine, ten for me – I didn’t even know she could count!  Soon H will be like E.  Doing everything on her own.  Getting dressed, helping me pack a lunch, going to the bathroom on her own (but needing a wipe). 

I guess a part of me is just sad to see it all go.  Don’t get me wrong.  I would never want to have another baby – it messes me up too much, hormones and lack of sleep is a lethal combination for me.  S has been ‘fixed’ so there is no more babies for us…at least ones that we make.

Come the fall E will turn3 and H will be 2.  E will be heading to preschool and H will start swimming lessons.  I can’t wait and at the same time, I am so sad at the thought of them growing up and growing away from me (trust me, some days I want nothing more than my freedom).

Where did ‘Me’ Go? July 2, 2008

I truly love my children.  But, they truly drive me mad.  There are days, like today, when I just can’t seem to yawn enough….I am exhausted.  They have no desire to chill out and just veg with me.  Instead, they want to play downstairs, outside, run around the house screaming (ooops, singing, sorry), throw playdough, through playdough toys, throw dolls, throw Hannah, throw tantrums….it is just all too much some days.  I have pulled out my secret weapon…..popcorn twists and juice and the tv on Treehouse.  Ah….all is quiet on the western front!  So, instead of using this peaceful rest to actually rest, I find myself here, pouring my heart out over the keys of the lap top.  I am listening, wating for the running and screaming to start all over again and pull me back from ‘me’ time. 

‘Me’ time…that is the biggest joke out there for SAHM’s.  The only ‘me’ time I have is if I manage to get the baby gate up infront of the bathroom before they invade while I am taking a moment to relieve myself.  They end up standing outside of the bathroom, swinging the door open to scream at me, say ‘mommy?’ a hundred times over or just stare at me while I go.  The only other ‘me’ time I get is when I am asleep, and this is usually when my husabd attempts to grope me in his sleep!  When we were first living together, I found this so adorable and sexy.  Now, I find it rude and offensive.  I am finally getting some time to myself, I am getting some sleep…what in the world would make you think I want to be pawed and groped….and I don’t care that he is asleep too!  Back in the day, this affectionate touching would wake us both us and get us going…now, more times than not, I end up kicking him in the shin with a rough foot that hasn’t seen a pedicure in lets’ see, 2.5 years because it is illegal to leave your kids at home or alone in a car while you have your feet worked on (this is one of those ‘me’ times I miss the most)! 

I miss my kids so much when I am not with them.  If they go to bed early and I am up late I often sit in their room just watching them sleep.  If I manage to make it out for a date with my husband and we see a mom with a daughter, I feel the pain in my chest of longing for my own babes.  I must be crazy.  I can’t live without them, and I can’t get away from their either.  This is a great dilema.  I don’t know how working mom’s deal with the missing their children part.  I don’t think I could do a decent job at anything out side of the house…not that I do a decent job of working from the house either…having 2 toddlers makes things very challenging. 

I don’t understand this rollercoaster ride of love and alone time, but it is a whirlwind for sure.  I look forward to seeing them each morning, but can’t wait for nap time too.  Hmmm….what will it all be like in a couple of months when E starts preschool?

Grateful June 27, 2008

TGIF!

How bad is it that it is nine am and the girls have already had two Oreo cookies each?  Hmmm…..some mothers would be having a fit right now!  I like to think I am a moderate mom.  I sit in the middle of road, half on, half off the fence sort of thing.  Some days are healthy, some days are junky. 

Of all the things that are important in life, what we eat for breakfast isn’t what is ultimately important at the end of the day!  I am grateful for so many things, but here is just the tip of the iceberg…

1. S – he is my bestfriend in the whole world.  I share everything with him and he makes my life so much brighter.

2.  E – she came into this world and changed my life.  Through her, I learned the meaning of MY life.  I received the knowledge of how much my parents love me and how lucky in this world.

3. H – she shows me how to love unconditionally all day long.  She is the softer side of me and brings out the best I have inside.

4.  My mom…she passed away when I was a teenager, but for the years I had her she was amazing.  She is who I aspire to be.  I want to be that mother to my own children.  I want to make memories with them and impart myself and her in their souls.

5.  My dad…..is amazing.  He is a 2 for 1 package…he is mother and father and friend all in one.  He is still who I turn to for support and advice.  He is an amazing Papa and it brings me so much joy to watch him love my girls

There are many times in our life where we focus on the bad things.  It seems it is so much easier to go to the negative…the pull is much stronger than the positive.  I haven’t taken enough time to appreciate the good in my life and that is what today is about.  I encourage all of you reading to tell those you love that you appreciate them.  Show them you love them.  Days are short.  Time is fast.  Life happens in the bling of an eye!

How Come Sorry Is So Hard? June 24, 2008

How come saying ’sorry’ is so hard?  I wish for my daughters, the ability to know when they need to aplogise and to be able to do it with grace and sincerity.  My husband struggles with this.  He isn’t very good at saying sorry.  Maybe it is because he was never taught.  I have started to look on line and have found this site called Marriage Fitness.  There seems to be a good topic on how to say sorry to someone you love.  I think that I am going to work on this with S. 

Todays fight was over nothing really – S misplaced my keys…the second time this week.  I wasn’t able to make it to my dr.’s appointment today…second time I have had to cancel for reasons out of my control.  The keys aren’t the issue.  How the phone call went down, how I was made to feel uncared for, is the issue.  I kow it is just a little thing.  I just don’t want all those little things to build up into something so big we won’t know how to fix it. 

Funny thing is…I felt so bad after our phone fight, all I wanted to do was leave….and I couldn’t….I don’t have any keys to go anywhere….lucky man…or maybe not.

I hope S learns how to say sorry so that I can believe it.  I hope our children don’t learn from their father. 

Happy June 20, 2008

I layed on the earth today

My baby laid on top of me

We watched the clouds move overhead

I was overwhelmed with my love for her

Okay, I am no poet…but we had a great evening.  S and I took the kids to a park in the next town over.  We played frisbee in the grass.  We went down the slides.  We shared Tim Horton’s French Vanilla Ice Cap’s.  We laid on the earth, looked up at the bright blue sky and picked out shapes in the clouds.  We even waved hello to a few planes passing over head.  It was a great evening.  I keep telling myself to enjoy the little things.  Not not miss them.  The simple things in life are what it is all about.  This night was it for me.  I am happy.

Hot Date June 19, 2008

This past Tuesday S and I had a date.  A good old fashioned, dinner and movie date.  It was great.  We went to this little Irish pub.  We had fish and chips and played cribbage.  We shared a chocolate lava cake.  It was so nice.  We then went to the cheap show and watched The Happening.  Now, alot of people had told us this was a bad movie.  Not really worth spending money on to see.  I however, love M.Night Shamylan’s stuff and really wanted to see this movie.  His movies aren’t to alot of people’s liking…maybe alot of people don’t like to think too much while they are being entertained…I get that.  I love how his movies have many different layers…kind of like a parfait or an onion (sorry, watching Shrek lately).  The movie was graffically violent in spots.  Not regular violence though.  Suicides.  It was tough to watch and I admit, I cowered a couple of times.  The over all move was wonderful though.  I loved it.  Of course, it could be that I don’t get out much, especially with S. 

We capped the night off with a trip to Walmart.  Diapers and wipes and snacks …oh my.  How could we spend time without the kids and not hit our favorite store!  It is so much nicer to not have the kids with me while I shop.  I think a great date for me would be Costco, Safeway and then Walmart!    I know…I am too silly and so easy to please.

Sort Of Fresh Air June 17, 2008

Yeah…I can sort of almost smell and taste!  Progress is being made in my nose.  There is almost no pressure in my head (lots of empty space now) and I think I will sleep well tonight…nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean…..say no more.  You will have to excuse me….I dated a guy with an imported family for too many years in a previous life.  Sometimes I vomit english comdey routines.

My SIL has gone back south.  Our visit was great.  I really hope she comes back up soon.  The girls loved here, and I know S has missed having her around.  I have always found her to be alot of fun and very easy to be around.

Well, I am being beckoned….and that doesn’t happen too often…so like a moth to a flame……yep, feel the burn baby.

Stalled On A Monday June 16, 2008

Off to work he was supposed to go…but he got screwed…in his tire that is.  Over the weekend S never noticed that his tire was slowly deflating due to a screw or a nail picked up on a job site.  Now chaos is ruling my house.  S is like a chicken with no head.  He is tired and grumpy.  His sister hasn’t made it to her bus.  My house is a mess from the weekend and me being too sick to keep it up.  The kids are naked and need a bath……I wonder if I put Calgon in their water what affect that would have on them?